Saturday, December 29, 2012
On Tuesday Mom and I cleaned the cabinets, played with the boys and had a pretty normal day. I had all but given up on having a normal delivery and was just waiting for Friday to show up at the hospital and meet her. I had been having contractions for a couple weeks but nothing painful and only about 7 minutes apart. No dilation, no thinning as of my Monday doctor's appointment.
Well, Tuesday night I started having contractions that were finally pretty uncomfortable. I didn't think much of it and put the boys to bed then tried to go to bed myself. It was too uncomfortable so I ended up spending the night up walking, on hands and knees in the living room, laying on the couch beteween contractions. I still thought I could having contractions like this for days and wasn't thinking I'd be going to the hospital on Wednesday. The contractions were 4-5 minutes apart and when mom and cliff woke up they both thought I should call the doctor. I finally did around 9am. They said I should go to the hospital to get checked. Long story short, I was in labor, my water had broken without me knowing and we were going to be admitted and have a baby that day! 12/12/12...so funny! I was so hopeful for a natural delivery! I was dilated to about a 3-4 and everything was going great.
By 3 that afternoon I was at a 7 and had an epidural. By 7:30 I was ready to push. I pushed for about 2 hours and the monitors were doing things the doctor didn't like. Clarissa wasn't coming down far enough, my uterus was not relaxing between contractions and Clarissa's heart rate was taking longer to stabilize after each contractions. My doctor gave me 30 more minutes and then it was c-section time. I was so crushed, so angry, and yet so ready to meet Clarissa.
I remember Clarissa's c-section more than I did Camden's. I puked in the operating room, I was so ready to sleep, she didn't cry for a little bit and scared me to death. Then she cried, she was perfect, beautiful...almost the exact same weight and length as Camden was! I got to see her in recovery only about 30 minutes after her birth. She nursed and Cliff and I just marveled. The recovery has been easier this time, but the emotional and spiritual struggle has been difficult.
The birth of a child should bring one closer to the Lord but I have been so angry that he let me get to so close to the natural delivery that I longed for and it still ended in c-section. For about a week or more I wallowed in anger and confusion. Loving my sweet girl, overwhelmed at my life with 3 kids, and feeling distanced from the Lord...my God who had made so much of my life easy. The one I could always count on had not held to his promise to give me the desires of my heart.
Then, one Sunday morning, my first morning alone with only my baby in my arms, I heard the Lord speak through our pastor. He was doing a Christmas sermon, a monologue of Joseph. He said something like, "I always thought as a young man that if one was close to the Lord then life would be easy. Then as I grew older I realize that God is in the struggle." Basically, life is a big mystery and God's ways are not my ways. I was being selfish and near sighted in my thinking. This struggle is bringing me to a new place of maturity in my faith. I am still angry, still disappointed that I will never have the amazing chance to have my freshly born child put on my chest. But...I do have a precious, priceless daughter, born with no other complications. I was out of the hospital in two days and have had so much help from family and friends! I am blessed.
So even in my struggle I can say, God is good, He is the Provider even when his provisions seems strange, He is bigger than all of this and so bigger than I can imagine. Who am I to question his ways.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow!